So I think I’ll make this blog into a retrospective blog, and look back on everything. So much happens every day that I can’t possibly keep up.
Anyway! I’m returning May 4th, and my first doctor appointment is May 9th. I’m beyond nervous but I’m ready for medication. I’ve just been too emotional and scared lately, I can’t live this way. I guess it took studying abroad to realize this.
I’ve also realized that just because life is unpredictable doesn’t mean I have to be extremely impulsive. Yeah, me being sick has scared me into action. But maybe this is too much action. I need to believe in the power of my body and mind, and their abilities to bounce back with professional help. I will wake up in the morning. I will. I will. I will! I have too much to live for.
I’ve also met some unbelievable people on the way. I realize now that nothing is certain and it’s completely okay, I need to appreciate the moment for the moment, in all it’s simplicity, as opposed to defining it. I’ve done some things I wish I could have acted differently toward, because being sick has made me so strangely emotional and impulsive. But this isn’t my real personality. I was wired wrong and I admit it and I love everyone in my life, everyone who accepts and appreciates me, even if I can’t have them as close as I want them.
Right now I am so fortunate to be where I am— sipping margaritas in Portugal on the marina!!— even if I am physically alone. This is more than I could have dreamed of asking for.
I am thankful, truly thankful. This is the ultimate blessing.
I haven’t posted in ages due to technological issues. But fear not, I am writing nonstop! Caveman style of course, with a new notebook I bought from La Central. Honestly I spend at least 16 hours per day out of the house. It is strange. All I do is wander.
I found someone who fits the bill from my last post— he’s one of my best friends. I could write about him for days, stories of when he hitchhiked Alaska or lived with a stranger in Oregon for farming lessons or moved to Spain (now!) without a return ticket and the hope of starting a nonprofit. He said he wants to learn to sail, then navigate around South America next. His passion is so strong it hurts, because he (stupidly) knows what he wants and gets it. I have never felt more alive, mentally and emotionally, than I do around him. I will encapsulate this sensation in my writing one day. I’d contact him after I leave but I know he’ll go missing. The best ones always do. They disappear.
Anyway, Madrid is getting old and I’m aching to go. But I can’t let go of what I know I’ll be leaving behind… and who.
Porcelain synesthesia (alternatively,sinestesia porcelana if I decide to go the Spanish route)will be the name of my first book. I’ve started writing day and night now. I wrote outside of Hemingway’s favorite restaurant, too. It’s in Madrid. I feel pretty isolated here, I haven’t found anyone quite as strange-minded as me. I keep hoping someone will grab my hand, tell me there’s a fire in the sky, and lift me up. But the world’s a strangely perfect place for a big heart and bigger imagination to stumble into alone.
Madrid during Carnaval gets realLLll. I told the bat tender I would write bout his bar he thougt I was a traveling food writer. Hah pulled wool over that guys eyeballs. I write anyway. I smell like cheap street beer! Dang matt spelled onme. overeager men and fake leather. Also Istanbul. They makefood
Cant Tell if I’m still want wine. Covered in glitter and feathers oh god this Is a sorority party gone wrong. WHERE am I like where in the world is Carmen sandiego but its me. Jess sandiego you stay classy anchorman.
PS happy birthday Bryan I had maybee8 or7 for you I regret nothing. only the last 6.
Hahaha everyone to Madrid come it s fun fun fun
Currently travel tweeting! Even though I missed half the trip already. Awkward.
@improperverbs & I will follow/stalk/love you back!
Today has been perfect despite the cold. Someone unbelievably sweet found out I had a doctor’s appointment in an unsavory part of Madrid today. He accompanied me, waited in the scary waiting room, and comforted me when I cried after. He helped me get to the pharmacy and pick up my new prescriptions. One of the meds makes me moody and nauseous (surprise… exactly what they shouldn’t) but when I told him I could manage alone, he insisted on staying and taking me to a movie regardless. We decided to catch an early film so I can sleep tonight. The whole way, he asked me about myself… not my illness, but ME. My dreams, hobbies, inclinations. He asked me where I see myself in five years. I said I wanted to be alive. After watching me break down at the doctor, plus that, he pulled me aside and just held me. He didn’t offer fake consolation or well wishes. Just warmth.
We skipped the movie and sat in a park instead. I honestly can’t recall when I last felt okay, but this gave me faith.
Oh my gosh I am traveling Spain and Portugal right now haha 20+ hours haha hahahahaha haha HAHAHA
Oh my god
Favorite conversations so far:
(At a Muslim place of worship)
Me: “Hey Max, how are you so chill all the time?”
Max: “I dunno. Well I’ve smoked a lot of weed in my life.”
(At fancy dinner near old people)
Carson: (kindly) “Can I have your olive oil?”
Lisell: “No.”(blank stares)
Carson: (angrily grabs olive oil and makes sexual motion toward Lisell) “I’M GONNA PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH”
Lisell: (holding a wine bottle) IT’S MY 21ST BIRTHDAY, WE’RE STICKING THIS IN SOMETHING”
Quiet kid in the corner: (observing a decapitated statue at a church) (Hermione voice) “Neaaarly headless? How can he be nearly headless?”
Spanish professor:(watching a sexual movie scene where girl comes on to guy)” She is ahhh, how you say in English… very… friendly”
Me:(drunkenly knocks on door to my hotel room)”HEEEEEY BITCH OPEN UP” (little Portuguese man with duct tape opens my door, stands in doorway and stares) (staring) (staring) (staring) (friend pops out from behind his shoulder) “Jessica, you missed the party”
Casey(talking to a jock frat boy): “Seriously, crazy patterns on top AND bottom? That’s like working out upper and lower body on the same day. You just don’t do it.”
I am having the time of my life. I wish I could write everything down but I’m constantly busy and moving. All I know is despite the craziness that happens during the day (or until 6 AM…in which I don’t sleep and it happens all over again…) I lie in bed thinking about the same exact things: the same dreams, same desires, same people, same places. That’s my only routine here. And of course, that’s when everything hurts most.
I haven’t fallen asleep alone in a while but I still feel so isolated at night. What I truly want is so simple, and in the dead of night I’m tempted to drop everything and run.
"It is sheer good fortune to miss someone long before they leave you."
This hits hard right now.